It’s time to tune in: why listening is the real key to communication

When people find out I’m a journalist, they typically tell me they used to write for their school newspaper or that their child wants to be a journalist, or that their cousin is a blogger. Or they might say they loved a film about a newsroom, but can’t remember the name. They might try to look up the film on their phones and, while they are at it, will show me a cat video trending on Twitter.

It’s rare that people don’t interrupt and shift conversation to themselves. Bad listeners are not necessarily bad or boorish people. You’re likely to have a dear friend, family member, or maybe a romantic partner who is a bad listener. Perhaps you, yourself, are not the best listener. And you could be forgiven. In many ways, we have been conditioned not to listen.

Schools and universities have courses in debate, rhetoric and elocution, but rarely classes that teach listening. You can get a doctorate in speech communication and join Toastmasters International to perfect your speaking skills, but who strives for excellence in listening? Social media has given everyone a virtual megaphone to broadcast every thought, as well as the means to filter out contrary views. Online and in person, it’s all about defining yourself and shaping the narrative. The very image of success and power today is someone prowling around a stage with a microphone.

I’m a listener by profession but I’m also a listener by nature. Perhaps it comes from growing up in Texas, a state known for its raconteurs. I was surrounded by colourful relatives and neighbours who knew how to tell a good tale – some taller than others. I learned early on that listening to the same story told by multiple sources got you closer to the truth.

Good listeners ask good questions. One of the most valuable lessons I learned as a journalist is that everyone is interesting if you ask the right questions. If someone seems dull or uninteresting, it’s on you. Good questions don’t have a hidden agenda of fixing, saving, advising, convincing or correcting. They don’t begin with “Don’t you think…?” or “Wouldn’t you agree…?” and they definitely don’t end with “Right?” The idea is to explore the speaker’s point of view, not to sway it.